SPEECHLESS

I’m speechless.

For a woman of many words, that’s a big deal. I’m not sure what exact moment the words left my mouth. Maybe it was when I watched the news feed on my iPhone last week. Or maybe it was when I realized my daughter had to go to school the next day and possibly be in harm’s way by psychopaths who decide to kill people. Or maybe it was when my beloved California’s most deadliest fire of all time in history, hit that underbrush at rapid speed. And took away my family’s malibu home. Either way, my heart has sort of gone black and all of a sudden I’m speechless. 

It might also have been that with such devastating news, our world once again in the little corner of cyber space that we live in, decided to put their hands up and scream at each other. With hate, with disgust and with more fervor in the their voices than probably the day they pushed out a 10 pound baby. 

It gutted me. Where in the world is compassion? Are we so desensitized by the state of the world that we choose fear and anger over kindness and humility?

I’m pissed too. A man killing innocent people in a bar where they listen to songs my husband writes about dirt roads and fishin’? Country music. Line dancing. A man goes and just shoots everyone? Again? Yeah, I’m pissed. Didn’t this tragedy just happen in Vegas? And a synagogue? Yeah, I’m furious. And I want gun control. I don’t want a crazy person to be able to walk into a gun show and show his driver’s license and buy a gun, with no background check. No. I don’t want that. I don’t want mental patients to never be treated. I don’t want them to live a miserable existence to the point of mass murdering innocent people. No. I want laws to be changed. I want to help. I want the world we live in to become a place where my 4 children will look forward to being parents and not having to fear taking their kid to a music concert, or a movie, or church, or to their damn school. 

I’m speechless.

Maybe that’s why I’m writing. I write these words to you because every time I see that video of that father who lost his firstborn son due to senseless and vile  acts of violence, I cry out so much sadness and I literally cannot find the words. Because it’s heartbreaking. Because it’s unfathomable. Because this is the world I’m raising my kids in. And I have no words, except this.

I look at my children and I see my future. I see all the things I hope for in them. I see love. I see passion. I see kindness. I see beauty. And every day that I’m here on earth, despite the wretched things surrounding this planet, I offer to them the one thing that can transform mountains. Love. Support. Compassion. Kindness. Loyalty. Humility. And so much more.  I teach them why it’s not ok to stare at a person that is different than them. I teach them to offer a seat at the school lunch table. I teach them to love one another with everything that they have because in the end, we only have each other. 

Sometimes I wonder if the people that shoot innocent people are lonely. Sometimes I wonder if they never had anyone love them. And sadly, I’m no expert at mental health so I cannot make any assumption about them. But they were born to this earth an innocent child. And they leave this world, to enter hell. And innocent victims gone. Lights. Out. I really don’t even know what to say. I’m sick. And saddened. And speechless.

But with each scroll of my right thumb, I see more calamitous destructive behavior by more and more people. Everyone is so mad. Even this morning I saw a celebrity irate over the treatment of animals on a massive farm that burned down to the ground. I saw them use their power to boycott a business over an animal. I love animals. I would run into my house full of fire to grab my dog (if I had one) as long as my life wasn’t in danger. That’s me. But to be so blighting to someone when that someone just lost their entire home, farm and business, I just have no words. And maybe I don’t have all the details. Maybe they should’ve taken better care of the animals rather than themselves and the property? Maybe saved the animals first, and their lives second? Maybe I should just stay speechless. Stay quiet. Kiss my babies and get on with it. But instead, I’m here, saying a silent prayer for our nation to calm the F down. To support each other, rather than tear each other down. To come up with solutions to gain gun control. To offer homes to each other when they burn down. To donate 5 bucks instead of buying a latte and help our Los Angeles fire department. To say thank you for your service and for working around the clock risking your life and your future. To hug your children and tell them they are wonderful human beings and so loved by you. To create an environment where we can thrive as a human race, and not fall apart. 

I’m here to tell you, we can be part of the problem or we can be the solution. Honestly I just want our kids to be ok. That’s all. I just want them to be ok. And maybe if they are ok, we all just might be.

Also, Dear service men and women everywhere including my cousin Bobby who died in Vietnam, my father in law, my Grandpa and Uncles and cousins who have fought and are currently fighting for our freedom, I salute you and thank you.