A LOVE LETTER TO MY TWIN BOYS

image by sydney clawson

Dear Bo and Luke, 

You’re sleeping now. Finally. And I’ve poured me the last few drops of my favorite french white wine over ice. And I’ve calmed down. Because tonight was a little frustrating. Motherhood can do that to a mama. And so I wanted to write you a letter. Because I love you so. And so here it is. 

Tonight I yelled at you three times because you got out of your bed.  Because I think you thought it was funny. Because laughing is funny and it feels good to laugh. I get that. And we never did the whole door handles backwards lock you in thing. I just didn’t want to do that. And so tonight I think I yelled because you misbehaved and well, because I’m sleep deprived. Because you woke me last night. And two nights before that. And the night before that also. 

It’s ok. You’re 4 years old. I get it. Being 4 is awesome. Being 4 is  about race cars and monster trucks and digging up the mud in the field by the river. It’s about being silly and wrestling your brother and cinnamon toast crunch and peanut butter and expelling every ounce of energy possible until the very last minute of the night, before you hit the pillow and whisper in my ear, “I love you Mom.” 

And sometimes you call me Mom. And sometimes you call me Mama. Like tonight. But mostly it’s one or the other because you’re always needing something from me. And I love that.

I love that you pick me flowers from the grass every day you spot one outside our door. The little round yellow flowers. I love those. I’ve collected them in my car because I’m so tickled that you do that. I’m so touched. It’s so gentleman like of you and you’re not even men yet. 

The way you know it makes me smile to pick a flower, it’s everything to me boys. Everything. Every single thing you do to me is magic. Because you are magic to me. And you’re everything I ever wanted out of love.

You see, even though I got frustrated tonight and yelled at you because you got out of your bed, I love you fiercely. That will never change. Never.

And one day you’ll fall in love for real (not the early first loves), like the woman you’ll marry. And to be honest, I might die a little. 

Not really die.

But yes, I’ll be sad. Mama will be sad. Because I won’t be your first love anymore.

I won’t get to tuck you in anymore at bedtime, or make you pasta and garlic bread on a Tuesday night.  Heck I won’t even do your laundry anymore and truly I’m kind of sad about it. 

But tonight I realized this. As much as I can get frustrated (because raising twin boys is no easy feat), (just look at your baby pictures ) it is truly the honor of my life. 

Truly.

Mothering you two and your sister is my dream. It’s always been my dream. Sure I love to sing and write and create stuff. And traveling the world is cool. Going to the Grammy’s is cool too. 

But you. You two completed this family. And my life. And as hard is it can get, I’ve learned more about me, from giving birth to you and raising you two.

And that’s a gift.

Even when it’s hard.

So tonight I wanted to write you a letter and say I love you to the moon and back, forever and ever and an eternity more. 

Because I’m your mother. And you’ll always be my baby boys.

Now sleep tonight, or you’re in big trouble.

I love you.

Love, Mom