TO MY FIRSTBORN, I KNOW IT CAN BE HARD

Hey baby girl. Last night was a doozy. I’m sorry. I say that because I know that this is hard. And some may criticize me for saying I’m sorry. Some might say I’m too easy on you. That you need to be strong. Stronger. But you see, you’re 5. And being the big sister is a big job. And I’m sorry that it can be hard sometimes. 

Last night I caught myself yelling. Moms do that sometimes. Moms of 1, 2 or 4 or 5 might do that sometimes too. I had a migraine and your brothers were fussing and you weren’t listening and my head was pounding. But I realized in that moment, that although this is hard on me, this might be hard on you too. You see, you are my firstborn. And I’ll never forget, that you indeed, made me a mother. And at first it was just us. And we did everything together. Everything. You were attached to me all day everyday. To the grocery store, to the park, to the toilet some days (yep). Even walking through airport security, you never left my side. And then I became pregnant with your brothers. God was so good to us, and you became a big sister. But it hasn’t been easy has it?

I remember early on when they were infants and you were only 4 years old and we’d go through the daily routine.  And then at bedtime,  I’d feed them and you’d hand me diapers to change them and hand me their pjs and we’d get them into their cribs. It was 7 pm on the dot and we’d walk out of their nursery and you’d turn to me and say “Geez Mom, twins are a lot of work, I’m tired.” I remember it like it was yesterday. It is a lot of work sweetheart. And I’d like to say I’m sorry if it’s been hard. And thank you. 

Nathan Chapman Photography

I also remember when I found out you would be a big sister to brothers, my friend said “this will change the course of Kona Blue’s life.” She’s going to turn out to be one strong little girl.” And she was right. You are strong. Stronger than you know right now at 5 years old.  And when it’s frustrating and difficult, I hope you always know your strength, especially as you grow into an adult.

And here’s why. 

Since day one of having your little brothers, you have had to step to the side. You have had to play in your own little world, while mommy feeds and nurtures your brothers. You have had to wait. And learn to fend for yourself. You have learned to be independent and figure things out on your own. You have created a world for yourself to be entertained while mommy has tried to survive twin mommy hood. You have also essentially been my wingman for all intent and purposes and for that I’m so thankful. This experience has molded you and shaped you into a fierce little spirit that can do anything. You have taught yourself the ways of the world within our household and have taught me the ropes to navigating 3 children. You don’t know it yet, but like I said, your strength will be your compass. God made you a big sister because he knew you and your wild strong heart. You will do great things because you already are. And when it’s hard and mommy is frustrated, just know that I love you. And I’m here for you always. And I couldn’t be prouder of who you are. And although your brothers can’t say it yet, they love you too. And they will need you. And you will need them. And everything and anything is possible when you love. I love you. Thank you big sister.